Tantrums, meltdowns, and situations that involve a child losing control aren’t enjoyable for anyone involved. They’re embarrassing for the parent and mean that you can’t get anything done, whether it’s grocery shopping or napping.
However, there are ways to handle tantrums in young children that will help ensure this doesn’t happen again in the future.
Understand the difference between temper tantrums and true anger.
Temper tantrums can be caused by a number of things, including hunger, tiredness, frustration, or sensory overload. They are not the same as anger; they are a form of communication that indicates something is wrong in your child’s world and they need help fixing it.
Tantrums occur when children feel overwhelmed by their emotions or are unable to communicate their needs effectively (e.g., “I’m hungry”) because they lack language skills yet still have strong feelings about what’s happening around them (e.g., “I want more cookies”).
Make sure you respond appropriately when your child has an angry outburst instead of giving them what they want just to calm them down so you don’t have another outburst on your hands.
Play detective and identify what’s causing the tantrum.
- Look for the trigger that caused this child to have a tantrum.
- Identify what’s causing the tantrum and think about why they may be upset or angry.
- Think about what you can do to help your child calm down and deal with their emotions in a positive way.
Show empathy and offer comfort.
- Say, “I’m sorry, you’re upset.”
- Offer a hug or a hand to hold. Touch is very important for young children, so this can be an effective way of connecting with them when they are upset and in need of comfort.
- Ask how you can help. It’s not always easy to know what will make your child feel better during tantrums, but if you offer options like taking them somewhere else or letting them have some quiet time alone (if appropriate), they may be able to express what they need more clearly than if left on their own with their feelings in full swing at the moment of crisis.
- Try to understand what the child is feeling by listening carefully—this doesn’t mean that you have to agree with whatever conclusion has been reached by way of logic or reason. Listen intently enough so that when it’s over, there isn’t any lingering tension between parent and child because both parties didn’t listen well enough before speaking up about their respective viewpoints after calming down from whatever caused this whole thing in the first place.
Don’t punish or threaten to punish a child for having a tantrum.
It’s tempting to use shame, guilt, and anger as a way to control your child’s behavior. But these strategies don’t work well with young children, especially when they’re upset. If you’re angry at your child for throwing herself on the floor in the grocery store aisle, it may be better to take some deep breaths before speaking than to yell at her or threaten her with punishment later on.
Be careful about making threats that you can’t follow through on (or would never want to). For example: “If I catch you doing that again, then we’ll go home right now!” Or “You can’t watch TV tonight because of what happened earlier today.” If this happens often enough, then eventually there won’t be anything left that would motivate your child into changing their behavior—or even trying not to.
Calm yourself down before you try to calm your child down.
If you’re trying to help your child calm down, it’s important that you first calm yourself down. It’s hard for kids to make sense of big emotions when they see their parents’ anxiety.
Your child may get upset because she sees that you’re upset, or she might become more agitated because she sees how nervous you are about her tantrum in the first place. Before attempting any strategies for handling tantrums, take a few deep breaths and try to relax as much as possible. Once everyone is calm, you can proceed with helping your little ones resolve their frustrations peacefully.
One way this can be done is by giving them an opportunity for self-regulation: ask them what they need at that moment (a nap? some quiet time alone?) or let them know if they continue having trouble calming down after five minutes have passed (or whatever amount of time works best).
Distract your child from her upset by physically removing yourself from the situation if possible, then resume when she has calmed down.
You can use distraction to avoid the tantrum. If you can, physically remove yourself from the situation (or your child) until she has calmed down. Then resume what you were doing when she is ready to cooperate with you again.
This will help her learn how to manage her emotions by giving them an outlet rather than allowing them to build up until they explode in a fit of rage or tears that seem out of proportion with whatever started it all in the first place. It also teaches kids how important it is, not only for themselves but for others around them, to get along well together!
Don’t give in or punish children who have tantrums; instead, try not to reward bad behavior by giving prizes, gifts, etc., even if this means losing money on vouchers, etc., as otherwise this may lead some parents into believing that having tantrums works well enough so long as there’s something good at stake too.
Model positive solutions to big emotions by taking deep breaths, counting to 10 or 20, and practicing deep breathing with your child in times of calmness.
Use the “buddy system” to help your toddler get through his tantrum. Find another adult who is willing to help you out when you need it—this could be a relative or a neighbor who lives nearby and has time on her hands during the day. When she sees that her presence is needed, she can come over and distract the toddler while you take a break from all that screaming.
Tantrums are a normal part of growing up, but they can cause problems if they’re not handled in the right way. If you know how to handle them correctly and with empathy, then your child will learn how to manage his emotions in positive ways that don’t create more problems than they solve.